Confessions & Confusions (Saints & Haints, Chapter 26)

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In late 2022, demons impersonate my primary spirit contact, A, in an attempt to confuse me, and thwart our communications.

Though this part of my story may sound like a descent into madness, it really wasn't; it's just the sort of thing demons do to mediums. 

Chapter 26
Confessions & Confusions

On my way home from work that evening, my demons told me that it had been A in the vision that morning, and that he was not trying to trick me exactly, but rather he was trying to find out if I wanted him to look different; if I wanted him to have a different face. They insisted that what he had been trying to tell me was,
"I'm not that guy anymore, so don't look at those old pictures. I look like this now. You like it?"
I wasn't sure I believed that. I thought it was possible, because I'm definitely getting the impression that Heavenly beings can change their appearance at will. However, since this theory was coming from demons and not from A himself, I didn't take it as the truth.

I addressed the issue, just in case, because the way I felt about that was something I thought he should know, if he didn't. I told him that I thought he was perfect just the way he was, the way I remember him. My demons joked that he would surely keep his original face then, and that one day a race of teal-eyed people would populate the Heavens. I understood their meaning; they were suggesting that our eye colors combined would make teal.

I sat in the truck for a few minutes, after arriving home. I had a lot on my mind. I said a prayer. While I was praying, I literally, physically, felt something, like a big hand, touch my heart. I saw a glimpse of the translucent hand in my mind's eye.

I knew that someone was trying to convince me that it was Jesus' hand touching my heart. I did think that someone would have to be awfully brave to impersonate Jesus, especially during a prayer; but, at the same time, I hadn't forgotten that "Jesus and Mary Magdalene" sham. It was obvious to me that someone was trying to trick me; and also that they were reminding me of the first time I was ever touched by a spirit.

It was January 2021, after I'd had my first scare with the threatening EVPs, and I'd decided that if I communicated with spirits anymore, I wouldn't use any tools. I wasn't very psychic yet, though; and I didn't understand yet that most of our family and friends are in Heaven, and that earthbound spirits are nothing to mess around with. In my first book, I told the story in detail of how I asked for "the good spirit who was protecting me" to come and touch me, and someone did. I asked to be touched, because I wasn't proficient at seeing or hearing them yet, but I wanted some concrete evidence that someone was still with me; someone good.

He came and sat with me, by the river near my house, and he reached into my chest and touched my heart. That was a prolonged, romantically-tinged encounter, during which he literally immersed his entire forearm into my chest and squeezed my heart. The experience I'd just had, during my prayer, didn't have that sort of romantic vibe to it; and it was only the fingertips of the big hand, piercing my chest cavity just slightly, and touching my heart. They were very different experiences, yet close enough for an association to be made.

When I wrote about that experience by the river in my first book, the only thing I omitted was that I already suspected that the protective spirit I wanted to communicate with was A, and that I asked for A specifically. Later, when Johnny admitted to impersonating him, I decided that those details weren't important because it had only been Johnny, tricking me all along. Still, since A was back in my life, and someone was reminding me of that experience, I reconsidered the entire scenario; including the fact that it was A whom I had asked for that day. Why was someone reminding me of that.


That night, I felt that I was getting no replies when I talked to A. When I closed my eyes, I saw very strange animations which I didn't understand. I assumed they were from demons. These animations were nowhere near as vivid as the first vision or the dancing one from earlier that day had been. My demons commented,
"Those were clearer because he had an angel helping him. It's a clearer picture when they hook you up to their cable TV."
I tried sending a heart to him, and I saw a little cartoon monster swallow it whole. Then I saw a puddle, which sort of oozed into a snake, which then slithered along shamefully.

I saw a Pinocchio nose growing longer, and then a monster biting it off. I saw the little monster load himself into the barrel of a canon; and a smaller version of the man from the dancing vision playing the violin. He smiled and waved as he sank down out of sight, parachuted by an umbrella, like Mary Poppins. My demons interpreted that as,
"He's ashamed of himself for feeling that way."
For wanting a different face, was what they meant. I didn't really think those visions were anything A would send me.

Before falling asleep, I saw better-quality animations. There was a man in armor riding a unicorn; and then a man on his belly, with a cat on his back, reaching down into a deep hole, as if trying to get water to drink. Then I saw a man picking up a log and holding it at pelvis level. My demons said, chuckling,
"A large piece of wood for you?"
Next I saw hearts being sucked away from me by a vacuum; and then a pilot shooting them back down in all directions from an airplane. I saw a man and woman kissing; and then a rose. The man and woman were beautiful, finely detailed silhouettes. The woman wore her hair in a stylish up do, but I wasn't sure this time whether or not she was supposed to be me. I saw the man who was crawling on his belly hacking away at a pumpkin; and then Satan, with a serpent's tail, as he's depicted in that classic illustration where he's defeated by Saint Michael, the way I carved him on my pumpkin. He was not a carving, though; he was alive, moving.

Once asleep, I dreamed that I was pregnant with S's baby. Well, the man who was the father looked like S, but I felt that he was actually A. I went into labor in the dream; but I never actually saw the baby nor experienced its birth. When I awoke, I closed my eyes again, and saw roses, hearts, and a baby being sucked up by the vacuum; and then a man kissing a woman and walking away, like a kiss goodbye. My demons, having of course seen my dreams and those visions, said,
"I can't believe they'd take your baby you just had!"
I rolled my eyes and got out of bed. I thought that every bit of that had come from demons.


November 15th, 2022
(from my journal)

"For the third time now in as many months, I've had this feeling that I should take my rings off. I've been having the feeling again, for the third time, that A and I have somehow crossed a boundary, gotten ourselves into trouble, or are being forced apart, or forced to break up. It's so strange how it almost feels real. It's almost believable. I pondered all of this for a while this morning, but then I decided that no, that's not the way it is. That's coming straight from Satan.
'Oh no! Forbidden relationship! Oh no! Lust! Oh! Now you're in trouble! Punishment!'
No. That stuff is Satan entirely.
It's not that way."

***

I slept for over 12 hours the next night. I remember waking up during the night and knowing that I was connecting with A. I saw my journal entry about the dancing, on my phone's screen, in the vision. I felt A's energy above my bed; as if he were literally a big man in the sky, sitting on a cloud, looking down at me. I actually saw him that way, briefly, as a chalk outline drawing. I saw hands clapping, and I felt him saying,
"It's brave."
I also saw an animation of a big hand pointing to me with the index finger and then pointing upwards with the thumb, and I felt him saying,
"You need to get up here."