Reality Folds In On Itself (Saints & Haints, Chapter 19)


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"The True Door Is Always Open,
but people are beating on the doors
painted on the wall by themselves."

-Monk Simeon of Athos


After those "not marriage" and "bad you love"  hieroglyphics readings, I took the rings off again. I wasn't mad at A, but I felt that it was what he wanted me to do, and if so, he must've had a good reason. Even though I was questioning by then whether or not it had really been him telling me that with the cards, I reasoned that someone must be angry about our relationship. I wondered, also, if perhaps it had been him, but he was trying to scare me for some reason. Either way, I felt that I was being warned that this was something that needed to remain unspoken. I placed the necklace back in my jewelry box too. Still, I wanted something to represent a show of solidarity, even if not our entire relationship, so I selected a different ring, a celtic knotwork band, which my parents had given to me. I said, to whomever it may have concerned,
"Okay. This represents my commitment to remain single. (wink, wink)."
I started wearing that one instead.

On Saturday, August 27, 2022, less than two weeks after the most recent occurrence of my life being turned upside down, I had an unusually bad day at work. I must've been channeling one of Anne Rice's vampires, or something, because I kept wondering if I even had the stamina for immortality. I was very uncharacteristically depressed, and this feeling had come over me all of a sudden. I was feeling as if I'd rather just cease to exist; like, regardless of who was waiting to love me forever in Heaven, I'd rather just vanish, and cease to exist.

It was actually a demon attack, but I didn't realize that at first. I only realized it after I started thinking that I'd be ugly in Heaven. I was thinking that God would give me an ugly new form, and I'd be eternally ugly. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's what I was thinking, because it wasn't my thought. That thought had been planted in my mind by aristocratic demons. I've noticed, looking back through my journal, that they've attacked me at work quite often. That's probably because they'd like to get me fired. They hate women; especially strong, independent ones, who support themselves. They also hate women who like the way they look. They hate confidence of any sort. About the time I became aware of my allies working on the situation, I began to realize how stupid those thoughts were, and that they were not my own, and I began to feel better.

That evening at church, and in my right mind,  I kept thinking that it seemed as if I was being tricked by both sides; or tested, at least. Something in the liturgy set me off. It was one of those passages about how Jesus wants you to be poor, and Jesus wants you to suffer, etc. That sounds a lot more like Satan to me. I was staring at one of the numerous stained glass windows, and I prayed, silently,
"I don't believe it. That's the lies we're told. That's the matrix. The thing is, I don't know if you're trying to keep me in it, or trying to pull me out."
Then, still staring at the stained glass window, I saw an animation of the colored pieces falling, leaving black voids in their places. Then someone busted through the window, feet first, as if swinging on a vine, Tarzan-style.
"Trying to bust you out," was the thought that accompanied that vision.

When I went up to take communion, a little piece of the host that was floating in the wine goblet stuck to my lip. Not realizing what it was at first, I wiped it away with my hand. It got wedged within the knot work of my "stayin' single" Celtic ring.

The next day, August 28th, I awoke feeling as if I was receiving a download. Then I felt the words,
"Two Jesuses."
It was the same type of "exact-words that reverberated through my body" message, like it was with "I had to take that power back." Those were the only words I perceived; but, along with that came the concept that there was a Jesus impersonator. I kept getting the message,
"Impostor..."
I also had a sense that this message, "Impostor," applied both to Jesus and A. I felt that it meant that some of those questionable hieroglyphic messages and those questionable images of Wrong-Heaven had come from someone else; someone who was impersonating A. I also knew that it was time to start studying the gospels, because apparently there was a mystery to solve there.

Later that day, I tried a few more times with the Hieroglyphics cards, asking for A to tell me something. All the messages were, once again, pretty much the same. Here are two examples, with my interpretations in brackets, wherever they are necessary:

Divine beings [Divine beings say to you]
you/your
capable [You are capable]
your writing do
the dead yes [the dead are the problem, yes]
work marriage bad
I will house warrior woman
divine eye good
forever time
beware
think friend
kiss do not
prayer can gift the living
king [the king says]
after love sex
He you [he says this to you]
us about sleep, wait together
me, I say before
I love you

At least that was my interpretation. There was obviously a coherent message there, but again, the lack of punctuation made these more specific cards difficult to break into sentences. For example, the intention could have been, "Yes, work. Marriage bad," instead of "Work marriage bad," as in, marrying the guy from work, but no one clarified that for me through thought-transference. I interpreted the "He you" as "He [says to] you," because I didn't have the right cards for some of the smaller words.

Here's another one:

friend
Heavenly beings you say [They^ say to you]
before kiss death [before I can wake you from your sleep with a kiss, before we can be together, you must die]

yes work
forever love
beware sex, do not
him you praise
strong about sleep, to wait [Him you praise is strong about putting you to sleep if you have sex]

I mean, I don't know how anyone else would interpret those messages, but to me, they kinda sounded like they were coming from a jealous asshole. They actually got a little bit progressively meaner the more times I did it. I realized that the limited word choices were making the messages sound crude and Neanderthal, but still; whomever this was, was basically saying, "Don't sleep with anyone else," as if I had been planning on it.

Also, in that first one, at least according to my interpretation, there was the implication that "Jesus," or "the king," had said to wait until we get married to have sex, but "A" was saying no, we'll do it beforehand. There was also the implication that "God" would put me to sleep if I had sex. It didn't sound right. I decided that, as I'd been warned, it was definitely not A who was communicating with me, at least not through these Hieroglyphics cards. I got pissed off, and told whomever it was,
"What the fuck ever. Just go on; I don't need your protection."
Of course, I wasn't addressing the real A, only this shameful impersonator.

I actually tried again, just to be certain, with both the Hieroglyphics and the tarot cards, asking much more specifically this time for A.
I asked,
"Is there a Saint or an Angel who lives in Heaven, with Jesus Christ, who claims to be [A's full name], who would like to tell me something with these cards?"
I shuffled, and laid out some cards. I got nothing. Then, I asked again, amending my statement to,
"...anyone who does not claim to be A...?"

Again, I got nothing. I shuffled the cards and laid some out, but I felt nothing; no guidance whatsoever, and no magic. I couldn't even make a coherent story out of the spreads. I mean, I could have made something up myself, which is exactly how I used to think tarot reading worked. Now that I knew the difference, however, I knew that making up a story was all I would've been doing. I had no connection with anyone at that time. No one had shuffled the cards. No one had responded to those requests.
"Usurped then," I thought to myself. I put all the cards away, and haven't had them out since. It was sad, really; because it was a fun way to communicate. It was like a game we could play together.

Therefore, to summarize what I think I learned from my tarot card experiment:

• Tarot cards are absolutely a method which can be used for spirit communication
• There's definitely more to tarot reading than looking at some pictures and making up a story
• It might actually be possible to get in touch with benevolent beings sometimes
• However, I have revised my previous opinion somewhat; I now definitely think that aristocratic demons can shuffle the cards, and you might not want to talk to them


After this disappointing card session, I found myself discussing the situation with my demons, because no one else was talking. At first, they said that they thought the real A was a shamedy-faced haint. I actually considered that possibility, but it just seemed too unlikely. Then they suggested that he might be a shamedy-faced saint; as in, a saint who was not acting very saintly.

I said, to my demons,
"Okay. Someone in the spirit world is in love with me... right?"
One of them answered,
"That right there is... not that way necessarily... but it is most likely actually factual."
I said,
"Okay. Just establishing what we can say with certainty."

What I had truly thought after those first few visions, was that getting together with S must have been a plan that Heaven at least approved of, even if it had not been their design entirely. Perhaps they had thought that it would have been the better choice for me right now; but, actually, unbeknownst to me, I had a true love waiting for me, it's just that it would be a long time before we could be together. I had reasoned that when God saw that things were not working out with S --which, I assumed, they were not, because of S's free will and choices-- and especially after I said that prayer about "never send me another man," He must've decided,
"Okay, maybe it's time to tell her about that other option."

But now... I hardly knew what to think. I held onto the "evidence," as I saw it, that demons had started attacking me harder when A came into the picture. Even though I suspected that my demons had tricked me a few times by faking exorcisms; I felt certain that I'd been attacked by more than them. I'd been attacked by real demons... because of A.

And now, it seemed that someone was impersonating him, and ruining our methods of communication. I couldn't see any way in which that would serve the purposes of demons, if A was one of them; therefore, I determined that he must be a saint.

I didn't know, at that time, if I'd hear from A again; and I didn't, at least not directly, in any way that I could be certain of, for about two weeks after that night. In the meantime, my demons and I turned our attention towards sleuthing out that Bible mystery, beginning with The Gospel of John. 

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