The Biggest Bitch That Has Ever Walked The Earth

 

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...continued

The wait for my second official exorcism seemed very long, though it was only about a month in reality. I'm reconstructing this story partially from my memories, but also from my journal entries and text conversation histories. Additionally, more repressed memories are coming back to me.

One thing that I have recently remembered from early on --before my first exorcism with Father Ryan-- is that, one night I saw what seemed to be a fairly well-materialized apparition. I was sitting on my screened porch, smoking a cigarette, and it appeared out of thin air, reaching out and touching the screen as it walked past it. I saw the screen wire ripple as it brushed its hand across it. The apparition looked exactly like what you'd imagine a "ghost" would look like, as far as its substance is concerned. It looked like a transparent man, mildly whitish or grayish in color. As far as his physical appearance goes, he was not very tall, possibly bald, or with very short hair, yet youthful. Kind of a short, stocky, jock-type guy. I could even make out some facial features. It definitely looked human. But, was that a well-materialized demon, or just a hallucination sent to me by a demon? Is there a difference?

The following anecdotes are a few of the random things I have recovered, mostly from text conversations with my small circle of confidantes, from around this time period before my second exorcism.

I had opened up about what was going on here to my cousin, "Lynette", who lives in a different state. Lynette's a cradle Catholic. Actually, I first spoke to her before I started attending my church, but I forgot to mention that in the last post. I didn't tell her the most gruesome details of my experiences, but I did tell her that I was dealing with a demon. Like a good Catholic, she believed me. Incidentally, she's now going to be my sponsor for my baptism and confirmation. But, at this time, back in the Spring, she mailed care packages to both me and Stephanie. These packages contained Holy water, blessed salt, and other religious items. She also sent me a link to a YouTube video which was an 8-hour loop of someone reading Saint Benedict's exorcism prayer. She said to play it while I slept; so I did.

Alas, the next morning, demon was still here. I awakened to him saying,
"See? That's not going to do anything except make you feel like you're trying. But that's no way to treat your man."
I do think the prayer had some effect, however; and that statement was merely a tough act.
Demon also said,
"I love you, but I am not going to let you get away with this shit that you have been fucking doing."

I eventually found a shorter recording of Saint Benedict's exorcism prayer, and made CDs of that as well as many of the other exorcism prayers that are now on my YouTube playlist. I did this to save data, because my internet out here in the sticks is not unlimited. I'd set my boom box to play a prayer CD on repeat, and let it play all night. After a few nights, however, the CDs began stopping on their own. I'd awaken to find the CD player on, but the disk would not be playing as it should have been. I could start it again, though, and it would play just fine. This went on for months, and eventually (recently) the CD player feature of the boom box stopped working all together. The boom box is old, obviously; so whether it simply wore out, or its failure was an example of demonic intervention in electronics, I suppose we'll never know. I will say that, during this time when I was playing the prayer CDs, my cats took to running through the house at all hours of the night --even moreso than cats usually do. Again, that proves nothing; but it was something else that struck me as odd.

I told Lee the following story:
I was shopping at Walmart one day, and while passing through the candle aisle, I remembered that Marie had said that white candles are often used for purification. So, I tossed a package of white candles into my shopping cart, thinking, "Why not?"
Demon said, in my head (which was still a relatively new and shocking phenomenon at the time),
"What are you going to do with those?"
I thought, in response,
"These are some 'Fuck you' candles."
Demon was silent for a moment, then replied,
"It is not good that you are buying some 'Fuck us' candles."

As I said, I'd already pissed the demon(s) off pretty good by this point in time; starting, perhaps, with that book cover redesign. Oddly enough, it seemed as if they weren't exceedingly pissed about Marie's exorcism or Father Ryan's first visit. But that incident with the book cover seemed to cement us in enmity. I see that; but still, I have no regrets about it. If they're not going to leave, and no one is going to make them leave, what am I supposed to do? Be friends with them?

One night, after they'd really pissed me off, I responded,
"Shut the fuck up! You're like a bunch of damned... little kids...? Well, literally I guess that's what you are, but nobody gives a fuck!"

For context here, I used to be a preschool teacher. I'm fairly certain that I had a memory of a classroom full of small children to flash through my mind when I said that. And no-- no, I'm not seriously comparing children and demons, or in any way implying that children are damned. It was a phrase uttered in anger. It was just the constant chatter; that constant jibber-jabber in the background that you learn to ignore, to an extent, when you work at a job like that. That's what they reminded me of.

So, I'm certain that I had some thought, some brief mental image of a preschool classroom, when I made that statement. Of course, the demons very likely already knew about that former job of mine, just like they know about everything in my past. Still, as if they didn't know already, they replied,
"Yes. We are just like a bunch of damned little kids; and if we had known that you had been a preschool teacher, we would not have done this to you. Because this drives most people crazy; and we had been wondering how you are able to ignore it so well, but that is exactly how you are able to ignore it so well."

Incidentally, my studies in Child Development and Early Childhood Education are also the primary reason that I have a pretty good basic understanding of things like cognition, how people learn, internal dialogues, and the relationship between language and learning. For example, if I had not studied Early Childhood Education, I would not know that it's supposed to be beneficial to read to a baby even before it's born; because, even though it can't understand the words yet, hearing the rhythm of speech from early on will help it acquire language skills more easily in the future. Rhythms. There's a connection here. I'm not sure yet what it is exactly, but there is one. Perhaps the "telepathy through rhythms" that I experienced early on helped me learn how to hear them?

Additionally, if it had not been for those studies, I might not have ever thought about the fact that language acquisition correlates with increased intelligence and reasoning capability; because humans think in words, with our internal dialogues. Therefore, the better you can "explain something to yourself," the more capable you are of pondering it, and the more likely it is that you will remember it. So, if I didn't know that, I would probably have never thought about the fact animals don't have as much understanding of language as we do. Well, I don't think so, anyway. There's proof that they can learn a limited vocabulary, at least, such as their names, and commands, such as "Sit," or "Stay." I know that they think and reason to some extent, but I assume that they think more in pictures, emotions, and concepts. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why it is harder for either demons or humans to corrupt them? Just theories. I'll sell you a bucket of theories for three fiddy. That background in Early Childhood Education has definitely helped me figure a lot of this stuff out, though, for sure. Everything for a reason, perhaps? My background in Psychology has been somewhat useful as well; but only the parts pertaining to human emotional reactions. Clinical Psychology, however, is a worthless subject, I've determined. I wish I could throw it in the trash, just like these demons.

Anyway, those two incidents --the book cover, and calling them little kids-- were probably what inspired the next drama they would enact. For days, they pretended to be babies, speaking to me in "baby talk." The next time I went to RCIA class, demon said, in baby talk,
"Es ou should take baby demon church!"
When I stopped short at a stoplight, it said,
"Swoow down, Mommy!"
Lynette suggested, via text message, that I drink some of the Holy water she'd sent me. As soon as I read that message, demon said,
"You should not drink Holy water when you are pregnant with baby demons... Baby demons came to live in your uterus..."
I drank it anyway.
Demon said, in an "adult" voice,
"You are the biggest bitch that has ever walked the Earth."

That was my name for a while, "The Biggest Bitch That Has Ever Walked The Earth." On one occasion, demon said,
"Satan himself would love you, if you were not that biggest bitch."
To which I replied,
"Is that supposed to be a compliment? Am I supposed to be flattered?"
He said,
"You should be flattered, yes. He only wants the most beautiful women in the world. But he does not want you anymore because you have been that biggest bitch. And Satan, he say that you know too much, and that we shouldn't have done this to you. But demons don't do anything for you unless we get something in return. But you won't give us anything, and we're going to get our asses kicked for this anyway, so why would we let you go? We might as well keep you until you die."

I said that they would regret the day I was born, and they would regret the day they first saw me, because I will not give them anything; not my soul, and not my land. I told them that they will get nothing from me except abuse, but they will actually give me something; information, which I will share with everyone in the world.

They said that they should not have to listen to insults from a living person; and that if I didn't shut up, they'd make sure that I was not a living person.

I said,
"Bring it." 

During this time, I started doing a lot of research about religion, demonology, and psychic abilities. I am still doing this research. I still don't have answers. Anyway, demon started calling me a "nosey little thing." It seemed sort of like a term of endearment; as if he couldn't stay mad at me for long. I recall a day when one of my cats kept getting into something of mine, and I kept affectionately chiding her.
Demon said,
"See? See what it's like when you have a nosey little thing?"
But, as is the case with any abusive relationship (and sometimes that's EXACTLY how this feels), it was, and is, very much a rollercoaster. It's a constant back and forth between "good" and bad. He always eventually reverts back to saying mean, evil things and trying to be hurtful. I started giving it right back to him.

In response to his "Demons Love You" rendition of "Jesus Loves Me," I started singing:

Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong. Demons are weak, but He is strong.

In response to his Dr. Seuss-esque manner of speech, I started repeating the following mantra when I needed to block him:

Jesus can kick your ass in a box! Jesus can kick your ass with a fox! Jesus can kick your ass in the rain! Jesus can kick your ass on a train!

And, as a retort to his earlier taunts that neither Heaven nor Hell would take me, and I'd "just be in my grave" when I die, I started saying things to him like,
"What's wrong? Is demon pissed off? Is demon... jealous... of beautiful humans? Is demon pissed off because we have  bodies, and we can actually make a fuck's worth of difference in the world, and because we can be saved? While you.. you're just going to burn... in Hell... for all of eternity? Well. Guess what, bitch?
I'LL SIT ON MY CLOUD AND ROAST MARSHMALLOWS!!"

That's when I drew the picture that became my logo; the stupid-looking demon waving from the flames. The rest of the drawing features a poorly-drawn version of me, complete with wings and a halo (which I know is inaccurate, but I was making a bitchy and artistic point), happily perched upon a cloud, roasting a marshmallow on a stick over the flames below in which the demon is being consumed. That drawing hung on my refrigerator for a long time, until I took it down in an attempt to live as normal a life as possible.

But... then, wouldn't you know it, the next day, or maybe even the next hour, demon would surprise me by being almost nice once again. He nicknamed me "Hashbrown" for a while. I am not certain why exactly; it probably has some sinister double entendre meaning, but, again, it sounded almost like a term of endearment. And, his comedy has never been lost, not even when he was being the worst of sourpusses. Once, when I went to the doctor and discovered that I'd gained four pounds since my last visit, he whispered, in a humorous voice,
"Demon weigh four pounds."

Another time, when I was perusing some historic photos, I ran across an interesting picture of a train on a narrow-gauge track, cutting a treacherous-looking path through the mountains of Appalachia, hauling logs. There were men standing atop the cars. While I was musing about this, demon said,
"Well. Would you look at that? You bitches do know how to work; that's for sure. You work hard; and you make everything. And we are amazed by that."

Another incident, which I shared with Lee via text message, was one of the first indications to me that demons can read our entire minds, past and present. I had a great-aunt, "Nora", who passed away several years ago. I hadn't thought about her, not in much detail, anyway, in a very long time. One day, I ran across a photo of her. Of course seeing the photo made me think about her; but still, I didn't think about anything in particular. I just sort of abstractly thought,
"Aww. Nora. I miss her..."
Demon said,
"Yes! I know 'Nora Leanne Dixon-Shatley'!"
It said her full name, correctly. That was nothing that I was thinking about. I had actually forgotten her middle name, until the demon reminded me of it. They pull files. Trust me. I am dead certain of that.

Another way in which I pissed demons off during this time, was by beginning to explain to Stephanie, through text messages, some of the things I was figuring out. At that point, she was not hearing voices herself or recognizing intrusive thoughts yet, but she was hearing weird sounds at her house. I told her that I had heard weird sounds also; sound effects, you might call them, such as the chirping that I thought was the smoke detector. I told her that I thought they were testing her to see what she could hear already, and to figure out how to make her hear more. As soon as I typed that to her, demon said,
"Son of a bitch! That is not something that we would have thought that you would think about, but that is not that damn far wrong! You bitch!"

to be continued...