My First Official Exorcism

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During the weeks that I waited for my first exorcism with Fr. Ryan, demon was not THAT evil to me. I think he was sucking up; hoping I'd change my mind. When I was having my zoom meeting with Fr. Ryan, demon said, sadly,
"Don't make me leave you..."
After the meeting was over, I remember him saying,
"I don't think he can do it, but I don't want him to try."
I recall a few occasions in the days that followed where demon said something like,
"I'm not worried because I don't think he can do it; but you have to try because you want to go to Heaven, so you have to have him come out."

Demon told me many things about Heaven which may not all be true; but I'll tell you the gist of what he said because it is interesting. He said that you are young and beautiful in Heaven. Well, I believe that. He said that you can actually get married in Heaven, or at least something like that. You can find love and romance, basically, was what he was saying. He said that Earthly marriages do end at death; however, if you still want to be married in Heaven, you can be. He said that I could have a baby in Heaven; so I shouldn't worry that I never had one in this life. (Don't know about that!) He said that I could also adopt a baby in Heaven; because babies that are aborted, miscarried, or otherwise die are up there needing someone to be their mother until their real mother gets there, or perhaps forever, if she never does get there. (That one makes some sense; but then again, they have Mother Mary.)

He first told me that pets go to Heaven if they have someone who loves them; if their human mother or father is going to be there. He said pets couldn't be there without a human "sponsor," so to speak; and if they died without someone who loves them, they would be reincarnated and they'd get a human who loves them next time around. Then he changed that story and said that actually all animals just go to Heaven anyway, because they are basically angels. (Which is exactly what I have always thought; that if there was a Heaven, surely animals would have first-class tickets, because anyone can see that they are pure spirits.) He knew the names of all my pets; even the ones that died long ago.

During this time, I had one of my cats to die. He was sick; he was about one month short of being nineteen years old, and he had asthma and a heart condition. He got in pretty bad shape before he died. After he died, demon tried very hard to make me feel guilty. He said things like,
"You were not a good mother to that cat! You may not get to be with him, because you were not a good mother to him! You let him suffer! Why did you let him suffer? Why would you not take him and have him put to sleep?!"
I finally said (thought),
"Because he wasn't ready to go."
Demon said,
"What makes you think that? How do you think you know that?"
I said,
"I could see it in his eyes. He wasn't ready to stop fighting, and who was I to make him?"
Demon was quiet for a moment, then replied,
"Son of Satan! That is not that damn far wrong! You could see it in his eyes! That's something you can do too, then. You can read a person's soul through their eyes."

He also said that you can have the exact same house and belongings in Heaven that you have on Earth. You have something like an astral copy of everything you owned, if you want it. So, basically, you can take it with you! Well, according to demon. He said that, for example, I could have my exact same house, or I could fix it up and make it bigger. I could make it whatever I want by imagining it so. Well, that makes sense. Like I said, I don't know if any of that's true, but it's interesting. He said nothing about Hell, however, aside from saying that it's nowhere you'd want to be.

I asked demon several times why he didn't pick a younger woman (so he'd have a host for longer), or one who actually wanted to marry him (so he wouldn't be getting exorcised)? He alternately responded with,
"Because I'm in love with you,"
and
"Because you're stupid enough to do it."
This is when I determined that "marriage" is a double entendre when a demon says it. It means possession. He said that he is 6,000 years old; and that he does have a few wives already, but none of them really love him, nor does he love them. He said he had chosen them because they were beautiful. He remained flirtatious, when he wasn't being mean. He told me,
"All you have to do to get snuggles every night is say that you'll be my wife."

I hadn't been inside a church since the Fall of 2019. I had no reason to go to church as an Agnostic, unless it was for a funeral or some other such function; and besides, most churches were closed throughout the last three quarters of 2020. There is a little chapel in my town, though, that is a remnant of the area's first settlers. Maintained by the local Historical Society; regular services are no longer held there, but it is open daily for the public to visit. I went there one day in late February just to see what would happen. I actually thought the demon might leave me if I walked onto consecrated ground. I was the only person there. I walked in, and immediately heard the floorboards creaking all around me. The sound continued after I'd stopped and was standing still. It sounded as if I was being surrounded by an invisible army.
"Not my footsteps; and there's no wind," I thought to myself. I looked up the aisle toward the altar and saw ghostly feet take a few steps and then vanish. I walked up to where I'd seen the feet. I touched the cross. Nothing happened. Nothing.

It was also during this time that I first started making the connection that this same demon was possibly harassing other members of my family. To explain that, however, I have to take you back in time to the week of Easter, 2020.

My Aunt "Nell" was dying; and in the midst of the Covid-19 shutdowns, she and her children chose hospice care at her home. It was a very sad time; and throughout the week, different family members dropped in to spend the day or an evening visiting, while her children were there nearly constantly. Though I regret it now, I did not go until near the end of the week. When I first got there, before I even entered her apartment building, my cousin, "Stephanie", met me in the parking lot. She said,
"I've been hearing voices all week."
I point this out merely to say that I didn't bring whatever was there haunting them. Not that Stephanie and I are playing a blame game; but some phenomena has continued with her also to this very day, so we have speculated about exactly when this demon "met us."

Anyway, at that time, neither of us was thinking that it was a demon. As I've said, this is the Southeastern United States; and every family has a ghost story or ten, including ours. We'd ALL experienced something unexplainable before; but only a few times, sporadically. None of us had ever had any ongoing paranormal activity. I had certainly never heard of Stephanie hearing voices before. She said that she had heard several different disembodied voices throughout the week, and some of them she recognized as belonging to deceased family members. We'd both heard stories of people on their deathbeds saying things like, "Mama was here," when their mamas were long dead. It's kind of accepted by a lot of people, at least around here, that deceased loved ones come to "take you to the other side." We thought that was what it was. We were fascinated and oddly comforted moreso than worried.

By the end of the week, at least three of Aunt Nell's four children had actually seen a white mist, heard a voice, or heard an odd, unexplainable noise. They had all felt a bed being hit. Stephanie said that Aunt Nell herself, during one of her periods of consciousness, had said she saw a little boy and a little girl (who weren't there) playing on the floor near her bed. She had asked,
"Who are those youngins?"
Both Stephanie and her brother's wife had had miscarriages; and one of the lost children had been a boy, and the other a girl. Stephanie thought that might be the answer; that even Aunt Nell's grandchildren whom she'd never got to hold had come to welcome her to Heaven. Aunt Nell died on Easter Sunday. We were all there.

But, back to March 2021, as I was preparing for my first exorcism with Fr. Ryan, I spoke to Stephanie about what had been going on with me. She said that things had been relatively quiet for her for the past year or so, since that week at Aunt Nell's. She had recently, however, heard growling when she was home alone. She had also heard the youngest of her two living daughters, "Thea", calling to her, but when she went to check, Thea would say that she had not called her. By this point, I knew that demons could impersonate the voice of a human loved one, because they'd done it to me. I started to wonder if demons had actually been what they were hearing --both at Aunt Nell's and more recently-- but I wasn't sure yet.

My mother, Nell's sister, has heard strange things all my life; and maybe all her life too, but I don't really know that. She has usually not heard voices; but she hears things like doorbells, windchimes, or distant music like a car radio (at times when none of these things are possible, and no one else hears it). A few times she has reported hearing a voice, usually mine, calling, "Mama." She has even said that on a few occasions, she saw "me" walk past her kitchen window, as if I was going to the back door. She would open the back door, but no one would be there. Other than that, though, I have to say that my Mom is sane; well, as sane as any Mom!
As I pondered whether or not it could have been demons that week at Aunt Nell's, I remembered an incident that had happened back in January or February;  after I'd already freaked myself out by recording EVPs, but before I knew that I had a demon. Mom said that she'd been sitting in the living room with my Dad and,  plain as day, had heard a man's voice say,
"I have been doing research."
I remembered demon saying that he had to sort of teach me to use my telepathy. I thought (to myself, but there isn't any thinking to myself anymore),
"Son of a bitch! Son. Of. A. Bitch! They were testing my parents! They're testing my cousins!"
Demon said,
"Yeah. I was trying to see what they could hear. Your Mother is clairaudient."

So, finally the big day came. Lee and Fr. Ryan arrived, and the first thing we did was sit down to talk. I started telling Fr. Ryan a bit more detail about what had been happening. As I spoke, he anointed our heads with oil. I was telling him that the demon claimed to be in love with me; and that sometimes, when I wasn't paying attention --reading a book or something-- I'd catch myself sensuously rubbing my own leg and realize that 'I' was not doing it. Fr. Ryan was listening to my story and taking notes, when he suddenly interrupted me, saying,
"Justa, are you allergic to anything? Anything at all?"
I had no idea why he was asking, unless he thought that perhaps I was an alien. I've been called that because I'm allergic to  everything. I replied,
"Well, yeah. Everything. Gluten. Dairy. Most metals, um, pollen, dust, cats, dogs, beestings..."
He said,
"Are you allergic to olives? Cinnamon?"
He named a few more things that I can't remember. I said, still confused,
"No. Not those things."
He said,
"Then there's no reason why the cross on your forehead would be turning red."
I said,
"Whaaaaat??!!"
Lee, seated beside me, turned then to look at me and said,
"Oh, shit! It is red! What the fuck!"

Fr. Ryan snapped a photo of me with his phone and showed me. The cross he'd drawn on my forehead with blessed oil looked burned. It was beyond red. It looked crusty, scabbed over, burned. Fr. Ryan made a note that the cross on my head had turned red. Then Lee said,
"Shit! The cross on your head is turning red too!"
Fr. Ryan touched his forehead calmly, looked a bit incredulous for a moment, and then made another notation that now the cross on his head was turning red also. His cross got very pinkish in color, but it never looked as bright red and burned as mine. Finally, Lee's forehead turned a mild pink, which Fr. Ryan dutifully noted as well. I thought it was a little bit funny that the only atheist in the house had the mildest reaction. For the sake of integrity in my reporting, I will say that Fr. Ryan determined after this that we must have had some sort of allergic reaction; but I will also say that it hasn't happened again in subsequent visits. Also, my red cross didn't last much longer than the exorcism. It faded away. I wasn't really burned. Anyway, after that, Fr. Ryan took me outside for my exorcism. He left Lee in the house with instructions to sage the place good.

Outside, Fr. Ryan went through most of the Roman Ritual. Right before he began, I heard demon say,
"Do you want me to fake it?"
I didn't answer. Then demon said,
"Love you. I'm not leaving."
Fr. Ryan began. I stood, at his instruction, with my arms somewhat outstretched, not touching my sides. I chose to keep my head bowed and my eyes closed for most of it; out of reverence, and because I was really trying to concentrate on casting the demon out. While the exorcism proceeded, I felt myself swaying slightly; and I felt my hands trying to involuntarily clench. I felt that demon was trying to communicate; because at that time, I still mostly heard him through touching something. When Fr. Ryan stopped speaking, he asked how I was feeling and how 'he' was feeling. I knew I hadn't felt anything "leave me," although I had felt something happen. I had to touch my hands together to be sure. Demon said something like,
"Yeah. Still here."
I told Fr. Ryan. He said,
"Okay. Let's try something else."

He explained that he has studied some non-Catholic exorcism practices. Now, some Catholics will cringe at this; but I see the sense in it. After all, demons have been torturing people of ALL cultures since the beginning of time. It stands to reason that some of those other cultures may have also discovered something that works. Besides, just get a demon and you'll see; you'll try anything. So I said that suited me fine. He asked if there was a part of my body in which I felt it more strongly. I said,
"My hands. He likes to move my hands."

We proceeded to do two Native American procedures. The first involved Fr. Ryan touching my arms and hands, as if trying to pull something invisible out of them. I think he said some stuff too; but I really don't remember. I had my eyes closed again; focusing as hard as I could on kicking this thing out. The second method involved me washing my hands in a nearby stream, while envisioning the demon being cast out of me and washing away in the water. Again, he may have told me to say or think something specific; but I don't remember. I only recall putting all of my energy into throwing this bitch down that ditch. But alas, I still had a demon. Fr. Ryan said,
"That's okay. That just means I'll have to come back. I won't leave you alone with this, though; as long as there's breath in me, I'll fight it with you."

About that time, Lee emerged from the house, the still-smoldering sage bundle in his hand, looking to see if we were finished. Fr. Ryan said,
"Oh! One more thing!"
He retrieved the sage from Lee and smoked my entire body with it. As he did so, he asked the demon,
"Who do you serve?"
The demon told me,
"Satan."
I told Fr. Ryan. He nodded and asked,
"Who is your Prince?"
The demon said,
"Beelzebub."
I told Fr. Ryan. I didn't see it; but Fr. Ryan said that when I said that name, the sage bundle flamed up in his hand. He took that as a sign that demon was being truthful.
And there you have it; my first official exorcism. I didn't get all the fried chicken I could eat; but we did go out for ribs afterwards.

If I'm being honest, which it is my intention to do in this blog; I was disappointed. I wasn't disappointed in Fr. Ryan; I was disappointed in God. I felt like,
"Really? I mean, really? What did I ever do to deserve this anyway? And I didn't believe before because none of this stuff makes any sense! And then I get proof, but it's this kind of proof, and then you don't even help me? And I believe now, and I'd like to get my ex-husband to believe, but you sure don't make it easy."
That's how I felt. You can't help how you feel, no matter how hard you try. But, I did at least make a new friend in Fr. Ryan, and I got to go out and get ribs, so it wasn't a wasted day. That exorcism, I saw as the evening wore on, worked a little bit too. It worked a little more than the one Marie did. Demon was speechless --which was blissful-- for most of the rest of the day. He made a peep here and there, and I knew he was still kicking; but it was almost like he was gone. I slept very well that night. I was exhausted. Demon was quieter than normal for a long time after that. It took him a few weeks to build his strength up again. He hasn't messed with my hands or jerked or moved my body as much since then. So, I saw that it did have some effect. I also watched a movie about the late Fr. Amorth, former Chief Exorcist of The Vatican, in which he was going to perform the eighth exorcism on a woman. So, I thought,
"Okay. Maybe I was wrong. I did get some help."

I still didn't understand why I couldn't be completely delivered from this demon; and I still don't to this day. I have had prayers answered since then, and I know I've been given wisdom. God is listening to me. I believe that he forgives me. So, why? I have had a few theories. One, is that maybe there is yet a purpose to be served. I have converted; and I am writing down my experiences for all of you to read. Maybe my writings will touch someone. Maybe someone out there needs to read exactly this to become a believer. 

My other theory is this:

43 “When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. 44 Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. 45 Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.”
- Matthew 12:43-45 (NAB)

It might be that if this demon leaves, more will come that will only be worse. But, I already know that I have had more demons to come; and they're already telling me that Satan is among them. Can't get much worse, in that regard. I am hoping that my baptism will help.

Also, my cousin and I have pretty much concluded that Aunt Nell's apartment is where the demon met us. It has told me two alternate stories about that; but the evidence points to that week at Aunt Nell's being the most likely time. I think that demons hang around anywhere a person is about to die. Why, I'm not entirely sure; but I think they might try to drag people to Hell. After all, in the Hail Mary, we ask Mother Mary to "pray for us sinners, now, and at the hour of death." Don't worry though, they did NOT get Aunt Nell! I'm certain of that. That woman loved Jesus with all her heart in this life, and I'm sure she loves Him even more now.
I also know that demons love to prey on the grieving by impersonating deceased loved ones. I think that in this particular case, they stumbled upon a family of psychics and thought they'd won the lottery. They might have claimed me moreso than my cousin or my mother simply because I live alone and I'm unbaptized. They have really been messing with Stephanie lately too, though.

to be continued...